Red Alert 2 The Drama
by Darkwolf131
Summary: Here's a weird little play I wrote a while ago. The Soviets have pop duo t.A.T.u. on their side, singing songs with subliminal messages! It's finally finished!
1. The secret weapon

Red Alert 2 – The Drama

Disclaimer- The only thing in this story that I own is Caroline. Command and Conquer: Red Alert 2 belongs to whoever created it, which isn't me. I have nothing to do with t.A.T.u. or any of their songs either. Or Britney Spears. So I own nothing. So don't sue me. Please.

The scene opens on Premier Romanov's office, midday. He is sitting in his bathtub, playing with his plastic boats. Zofia is dusting the plaques on the wall, when the doorbell rings.

Romanov- Zofia! Get the door!

Zofia- Yes, sir.

Zofia runs downstairs to answer the door. Crazy Ivan is standing at the door.

Zofia- Hello, Ivan.

Ivan- Hi. I got the weapon that Premier Romanov wanted.

Zofia- Good! He's been whining all morning about it.

Ivan motions to two young women sitting in his car. They get out and follow him towards the Kremlin.

Zofia- (to the 2 young women) I'm sorry, no visitors allowed.

Ivan- They're with me.

So Zofia and Ivan walk up to Romanov's office, where he is sitting in the tub, watching Flipper and still playing with the boats.

Ivan- I'm here with the weapon you requested, sir.

Romanov- Good! Show me what ya got!

Ivan- Ok. You see, I figured brute force would be too typical, the Americans are expecting it. So I decided to try something stealthy.

Romanov- (eyeing the two young ladies) ..and how are they involved in it?

Ivan- Because they can appeal to Americans, letting them lower their guard and giving us the chance to strike!

Zofia- (laughs) How can they do that?

Ivan- Just listen.

The 2 ladies- DOSCHITI! DOSCHITI! DOSCHITI!

Romanov and Zofia look at Ivan with puzzled expressions on their faces.

Zofia- What's that mean?

Ivan- It's the words 'they should die' sang quickly and accented just enough that the Americans will get the message without knowing it!

Zofia- Genius. What do you call your 'band' ?

Ivan- Tatu.

Zofia- Good name. But how exactly will you draw fans?

Ivan- They'll sing songs in English to get people hooked. Then we'll announce that they're Russian, and for double the price of the English CD, they can buy the Russian one. The Russian one, I might add, has anti-American subliminal messages.

Romanov- They suck. Zofia, get my Britney Spears CD!

Zofia- Yes sir. (Goes to get his CD)

They hear banging on the door.

Romanov- ZOFIA! Get the door!

Zofia- Yes sir.

Zofia answers the door.

Caroline- HOW DO, GREENHORNS?!

Zofia screams bloody murder.

Romanov- Oh my...someone go help Zofia.

That's it for chapter one! I'll have #2 posted shortly. Please r&r!!


	2. Hello, Caroline!

Chapter 2

So far, Zofia just ran into some screaming maniac at the door.

Lena- I'll go help her. (goes downstairs)

Lena, one of the Tatu girls, runs downstairs to see why Zofia screamed. She finds her standing there, listening to a poorly-dressed woman talking about lie on the Oregon trail.

Caroline- ...and THAT is why ya'll best be sign'n on with me, Greenhorn!

Zofia- uhh...ok.

Lena- Are you ok?

Caroline- Darn tootin'! I'm healthy as a horse on the track in the rain on Sunday!

Lena- I'm glad to hear that, but I wasn't talking to you.

Caroline- Oh. Wanna hear my life story?

Zofia- NO!

Caroline- Aww, shucks.

Zofia- Just be quiet, you. I'm fine, Lena.

Lena- Ok, good.

Zofia and Lena go back upstairs, where Yulia (the other member of tatu) is singing a chorus of 'Robot'. Caroline (the slob) follows them.

Romanov- Good to see you. You're ok.

Caroline- Yessiree I am!

Romanov- Zofia, who the hell is that?

Zofia- I don't know.

Caroline- Aw, come on now! I told ya'll who I am. I'm the illegitimate child of Jesse James and Annie Oakley, raised by some poor nobodies till I was 4, then they died of dysentery. So I became a bar dancer, a bronco buster, a mule skinner, and a scout in the Mexican War!

Zofia- Shut up!

Ivan- Yeah...

Caroline- Aw, I was just getting' to the good part!

Romanov- What are you doing here?

Caroline- Got sent.

Romanov- By who?

Caroline- President Dugan!

Romanov- Oh, God.

Yulia- Let's get back to singing.

Lena- Yeah.

Tatu- Prosto, Poluchilos tak, ya t'per tvoi vrag

Caroline- (interrupts them) Holy Bejesus!

Yulia- What?

Caroline- Ya'll Russian schoolgirls wanna kill off all the Americans!

Zofia- Duh. You didn't know that?

Caroline- Holy smokin' Pete! Yer in on it too, Greenhorn!

Ivan- Duh.

Caroline- **Gasp!**

Lena- You almost feel bad for her...she's too dumb for her own good.

Ivan- Yeah, almost.

Romanov- Zofia! (points to Caroline) Get that thing out of here!

Zofia- Yes sir. (Rolls Caroline out the door)

Caroline- (As she rolls) I'll be back, Greenhorn! I'll be back!

And that wraps up chapter two! Like it so far? If ya do, read chapter 3! If ya don't, read it anyway!


	3. The exciting conclusion!

**Chapter 3**

They just got rid of Caroline...she was sent by the Americans to annoy the Soviets into surrendering.

Romanov- Ew. I don't want her coming back.

Zofia- Neither do I, sir. She's safe behind the locked door.

Romanov- Let's not take chances. I wanna go skiing. Get the forklift!

Zofia- Ok.

So they arrive at a Siberian ski resort. Romanov brings his tubski, a long snowboard-type-thing that goes on the bottom of his tub to allow him to ride down the slope on it.

Yulia- What about our CD? We need to record it soon.

Ivan- Bring the recording devices into the hotel room.

Yulia- Ok.

Romanov- Zofia! Take me to the slope!

Zofia- Yes sir. (takes him to the slope)

Lena- Doesn't it seem cruel, the way he treats her?

Ivan- eh.

Yulia- Eh.

Lena- Guess I'm the only compassionate person here...

Meanwhile, Romanov is having a grand old time on the slope.

Romanov- WHEEE!!

Zofia- I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, sir.

After 2 hours of skiing, Romanov gets bored and cold.

Romanov- I'm bored and cold. I want coffee!

Zofia- I brought none, sir.

Romanov- There's a Wawa near here. Let's get some.

So they all decide to go to Wawa.

Ivan- I want some chips there.

Yulia- Yeah, and it's nice and warm in there.

Romanov- (at Wawa) Milk! Sugar! Lots of cream!

Zofia- I know how you like it, sir.

Just then, a very familiar person walks up to them.

Caroline- How do, Greenhorns?!

Zofia- Oh, my God.

Yulia- I'm outta here.

Lena- Me too.

Tatu walks out into the parking lot.

Ivan- Where are you going?! Stop!

Ivan follows them out and sees them getting into an oil tanker. But it's too late.

Ivan- STOP!

Lena accelerates onto the southbound side of the road and races northbound, gaining speed every second.

Tatu- NOT GONNA GET US!

Ivan- Wait! Nooo!!

Tatu- NAS NE DOGONIAT!

They speed away, never to be seen again.

Zofia- (pulling Romanov's tub outside with him in it) what happened?

Romanov- Did the annoying girls go away?

Caroline- Ya'll forgot me in yer hootin' n' hollerin'!

Ivan- (eyeing Caroline coldly) Don't think you've destroyed our plan. I'll find them yet, American. (He turns to Romanov and Zofia)

Ivan- Come on. We must find them.

They all get on their forklift, and drive off into the distance to find Tatu and bring them back.

The End


End file.
